In Your Dreams
by shwaya
Summary: Five years after the events of the S3 CS, Mary is still haunted by nightmares of a car on a country road. Until the night she meets Matthew in her dreams. My first fic.


_Author's note: this is my first fic that I had to write after the CS. Apologies if the formatting is weird as I'm still trying to figure out how everything works._

"Goodnight Mama."

"Goodnight darling." Mary pulled the covers up to the little boy's chin, smoothed back his hair and gently kissed his forehead. "And such good dreams."

"You'll also have good dreams tonight Mama," the boy declared.

"Really? How do you know?"

His blue eyes crinkled as he smiled. "I know."

Mary cupped his small face in her hands and kissed his forehead again. "I hope so, my dear."

As she left the room Mary smiled at her son's assurance. I know, he had said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. She wondered if he could somehow sense what her dreams were really like, how she was haunted by nightmares of a car on a country road.

In her dreams she would run alongside and call out to Matthew to slow down, to stop so she could come with him, but he could not hear her, and she would keep running and running and running…

Other times she would stand in the road as Matthew's car barreled toward her, stretching out her arms to try to stop it herself, standing there waiting until the car loomed over her and she suddenly awoke, covered in sweat.

It was on one sleepless night a few weeks after the funeral that Mary had come downstairs to the library and sat down at the desk where Matthew had kept the ledger for the estate. It was comforting somehow to turn the same pages that he had turned and trace her finger over the notes he had written, until at last she fell into an exhausted sleep with her head resting on the open book. Carson had found her there early in the morning and gently sent her up to bed.

The next night after supper Mary went straight to the library. She sat down in front of the ledger with a pot of tea and slowly began to read through the entries. Nothing made any sense at first. But she kept reading, night after night, until she had progressed more than halfway through and she thought she was beginning to understand. After another month she was so sure of herself that she approached her father and told him that she would be taking over the bookkeeping for the estate. Robert had refused, of course, until Cora reminded him that anything that could lessen Mary's grief was a blessing. The ledger had then become Mary's job and it gave her much satisfaction to help run the estate. She would never be Countess of Grantham. Now her role would be to maintain that future for her son.

After tucking in her son Mary too went to bed. That night, as she slept, she dreamt that she was standing on the platform of the train station. In the distance, a man in an army uniform was walking slowly toward her.

"Goodness," thought Mary, "that looks just like-"

_Matthew._

It really was him, she was sure of it, and he broke into a broad grin as she started to run toward him.

"Oh my darling! Oh!" Mary sobbed into his coat as he pulled her into his arms.

"Mary," he breathed into her hair, holding her tight. She smiled up into her husband's face, blinking away her tears. His arms felt wonderful.

"Let me see my beautiful wife," he said, standing back. "You look well, you really do."

They began to walk along the platform.

"Tell me about our son."

"Well," Mary began, "he has your eyes, and my hair. And your self-confidence."

Matthew laughed. "I've been watching him grow. And you as well. I'm so proud of you, Mary." His face seemed to glow.

"I've missed you so much," Mary spoke quietly. "It's been so hard without you. I still love you, you know."

"Of course I know." Matthew stopped and looked at her seriously. "Do you realize, you never said those words to me when I was alive? Not once."

"I was a fool!" Mary burst out in frustration. "A complete fool, a prisoner of my upbringing. I loved you then and I still love you, every minute of every day."

Matthew pulled her close once more. "It's alright, darling. I knew and I understood."

They stood together for a long moment and then began to walk some more.

"Where are you now?" Mary asked.

Matthew hesitated. "I really can't talk about it." He stopped for a moment, then began again. "The thing is, I was sent here to give you a message."

"Oh?"

"When I was running the estate, we owed some money to one of the tenant farmers. I had forgotten about the debt completely but, you see, Over There an unpaid debt is a serious matter. That money would mean a great deal to that family. I was sent here to tell you that in the back of the third drawer on the right side of the desk you'll find an IOU with all the information." He paused. "Once that debt is paid I'll be able to rest easier."

"Do you know," Matthew chuckled, "they were going to send me to Robert! But I convinced them that since you had taken over the bookkeeping I should tell you."

Mary beamed. "I'm so glad," she said, "So very glad."

At that moment a train began pulling into the station. A whistle blew. "I'm afraid that's my train," said Matthew, "I have to go now."

"Will you come back again?" asked Mary.

"I…I can't say. It's not an easy thing." Matthew held Mary's hand until the train stopped moving. The whistle blew again and he kissed her for a long moment. "Goodbye my darling," he said. "And such good luck." Matthew put on his hat and stepped onto the train. Mary watched silently as the train pulled out of the station, until it faded into the distance.

The next morning Mary went right to the nursery and hugged her little boy tight. "You were right," she said. "I had the best dream."

"See Mama, I knew you would!"

She continued down to the library, not sure what to expect. The desk looked the same as it always had. She slid open the third drawer and reached all the way to the back. There were piles of papers in disarray, mostly old advertisements for ploughs and wheelbarrows. Mary found the IOU at the very bottom of the pile. She wasted no time in paying it.

"Rest in peace, Matthew," she whispered. "Rest in peace."


End file.
